I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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