I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
