She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
