I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
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What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
this is an emotional support booty call
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I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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