she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
