remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
