Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
