The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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