im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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