Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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