I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
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