My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
