i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
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he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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