my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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