literally had 100 drinks last night.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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