I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
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Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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