There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
