i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
