Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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