Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
