Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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