happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
