I just cut my nipple shaving
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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