dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
