i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
