i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
