My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
