I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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