No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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