I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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