this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
