Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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