this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
