they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr