i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
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i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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