Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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