ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
