No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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