I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
