If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
