I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
