Your dad touched me again.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
