went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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