Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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