I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
