3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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