I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
