I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
