Four minutes until I can fart!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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