im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
