she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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