I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
